Bittersweet

Last night and tonight have been the start of something bittersweet....

If all goes according to plan, last night was my last time nursing Avery at bedtime (or anytime for that matter!).

I just decided it was time....

She has been down to nursing only once a day for at least a month now. I know she's not getting much anymore because I don't really hear her swallowing much. I have a feeling she wants it more out of habit and routine and to help her fall asleep.

I figured it would be easier to break it now then to wait until she's ready-heck, that could be months from now! And I thought the older she got, the harder it might be to break her of it.

So last night was it. Why last night? Well, I wanted to have a few days after at home in case I get engorged or uncomfortable at all. I think the chances of that are slim, but didn't want to take a risk. I had to work today, but am off the next four days for the long Labor day weekend so I thought it would be a good time.

It's been emotional though I will say. Last night while she nursed I tried to drink up every last second of it. I didn't rush her or anything and I just savored the time with her. I shed a few tears (and am shedding some now) while looking at that sweet face and thinking of our journey.

I went into breastfeeding very open-minded. I knew I wanted to try it, but if it didn't work out for us, it wouldn't have been the end of the world. It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It's stressful, time consuming, painful, and exhausting. But the rewards are countless. No matter how hard it was, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I honestly didn't think I would be so emotional about it ending, but I am.

I'm going to miss my bonding time with her-but I keep telling myself I can still bond with her, it'll just be in different ways. Plus, now Gabe can look forward to doing bedtime with her as well.

Tonight was the first night of not nursing her. I wasn't sure how it would go for either of us. We gave her a bath first, then Gabe got her dressed and ready for bed. I went in and we all read a story together. Once it was done, she started signing milk and looking at me. I picked her up and gave her some hugs and a kiss and Gabe told her he was going to give her milk tonight. She went back to him and drank out of her sippy cup (which is also new-she usually does a bottle if not nursing). He rocked and sang with her then put her to bed. About 10minutes later, she was sound asleep. It went so much easier than I anticipated. And I held up ok until I started writing this. I just hope it continues to go this smoothly!

I am finally going to have my body back....it's been almost 2 years since my body has been my own.

It will be mine.

And I will feel free.

And I'm proud that I nursed my baby for 14 months.